This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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