I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
