I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.