im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
