just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
