I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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