I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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