im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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