watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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