So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
All I want is dick and wine.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
