How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize