She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
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