i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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