You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
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we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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