All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
