i think i have two assholes
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
