She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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