I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
whose ass print is on the piano?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
