not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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