Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
