We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
