Got a toothbrush?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I am naked and annoyed.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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