He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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