Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
