I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
