im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm at about main and main street
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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