I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
