Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
