He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
