i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
