Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
