I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
