i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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