I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕