I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD