never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.