I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
