omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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