watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
