Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
