Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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