life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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