she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
