I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
