I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
