i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
