If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
