Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
