I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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