i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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