He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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