it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
