my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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