if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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