Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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