im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
