We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
