I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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