I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize