Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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