If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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